I was 11 years old the first time.
The first time that the person I needed most in life was taken from me.
I was naive (as most 11 year olds are) and believed that my mother would be with me forever. On a sunny, idyllic summer day I learned that everything you know about life can change in one horrific instant.
I was 33 years old the second time. This time I knew that forever didn’t exist, but I still believed that it couldn’t possibly happen again.
The two worst days of my life.
I became a parentless parent. My children never met their grandmother, and now will not remember their grandfather.
As with anything significant that happens in our lives, the death of my parents has in part, made me who I am today, for better or worse. My greatest fear is that my daughters will lose me too soon. That they will have to endure the agony of losing a parent while still a child.
So I love.
I love them with all that I can. I believe that if I can fill them up with love each and every day, then no matter what happens, they will have enough love stored up in their hearts to make it to the end of their days.
If I love them fiercely now, then this bond that we’re forming will never fade. They will remember that I was there for every nightmare, every fall, every uncertainty, for every moment big and small.
I don’t worry that maybe I say “I love you” too often or whether I’m telling them too often how beautiful they are.
Because what if?
If I tell them they are beautiful, kind, important, and special enough, then no matter where I am, they can reach into their hearts and find my words. Ready to encourage them. Ready to pick them up when they are feeling down.
I want them to be so sure of my love now that they will never question it in the future. When they are teens just trying to figure out where they belong in the world, they won’t need to look to others for acceptance.
When they are called “beautiful” for the first time by a boy, it won’t sweep them off their feet, because they will already know.
I don’t worry about the fact that I’m still nursing my toddler. I’ll take all the snuggles that she will allow.
I don’t worry that we lay with our 5 year old until she’s asleep and go to her when she wakes in the night.
These are the moments that they will remember.
They won’t remember that I lost my cool every now and then. They won’t remember that I’m not a perfect mom, but they will remember that I was there to soak up all the moments. They will remember that I loved them more I could ever express in words.
I don’t regret that I rush home from work to pick up my children, rather than staying to organize my desk or rather than stopping for milk on the way (even though we probably need it). I don’t regret making my children the center of my world. Others might see me as too hands-on. But my heart doesn’t know any other way.
Because I know that nothing is a guarantee. And if I were to be gone tomorrow, I would want today to be jam-packed full of love.
Have you lost a parent? Has it affected the way that you parent your children?
Sosi's Mom says
What a lovely post, sharing your history. Your advice on loving your children unconditionally is amazing.
Brenda says
Thank you so much, I’m glad you like it. It was definitely hard to put it out there ?
Stephanie ReadsWell says
Lovely, emotional post. I can feel your thoughts. All we can do is filling our kid’s life with lots of love. This is the journey of life.
Brenda says
I’m so glad you liked it ❤️
Bridget says
? this is incredibly brave and beautiful. It is a powerful piece because we can be so quick to judge on how others parent when we have no idea of their journey.
Brenda says
THANK you. It was definitely a tough one to write, but I was driven to write it ❤️
caitcance says
Beautiful post, Brenda. As you know I’ve also lost my mom and I too think a little too often about my kids losing me. I’m not a worrier by nature but that thought does make me wonder if I’ve done enough. If they lost me now, would I have done enough for them to feel my love for years into the future? Would my little ones even remember me? I don’t like thinking about it but it’s impossible not to sometimes.
Brenda says
What you are saying completely describes me. I never want them to forget that I love them more than I can ever express. When I have a bad day and I’m cranky, I feel terrible, because that’s not what I want them to remember. Losing my parents definitely makes me strive to be a better parent. Hugs to you!
Brittany says
I love the reassurance that I can’t over-do it when it comes to my kids. I find myself holding back sometimes due to what other may think. Thanks for sharing your story!
Brenda says
You’re welcome! There can never be too much love in my opinion ?
Samaris says
Brenda, this is such an insightful yet heartwarming post! The post’s title resonated with life experiences that I am still overcoming, and I am so glad that I read this. Not only do you depict the rawness of living with grief, but you also capture the beauty of the lesson life taught you. After reading this post, I am signing up for your email list without a doubt!
Brenda says
Thank you so much for the kind words! I hope it was helpful in some way.
Drew Ann says
Thank you for posting this. I lost my mother at 19 and my father passed away yesterday. I’m 33. I have a two year old that won’t remember her grandfather and I have a baby on the way that won’t know either grandparent. Just insane. Your post gave me some comfort…I am not totally alone in this. Thank you.
Brenda says
It’s awful and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You are definitely not alone.
Ei says
I do not have children yet. My husband and I have been married for 5 years but I think I am terrified to get sick and leave my children behind, just like it happened to me. Thank you for writing this. I know I do not control what happens to me but I can control the love and attention I give to my future children. It will take me some time to get there but I will try my very best
Brenda says
This is exactly how I feel. It’s such a scary thing, but at the same time, it has made me a more involved parent because I know that the time that I have with them isn’t guaranteed.