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83 Funny Baby Quotes For New Parents Who Need A Laugh

We all need some funny quotes in our lives, don’t we? To get us through the tough times of the baby stage?

There are so many beautiful things about living the baby life, but there are also SO. MANY. Difficult things. That’s why these funny baby quotes for new parents are going to be so helpful. They’ll make you look at your current life stage from a glass half full perspective.

Because I want you to be able to deal with the tough days a little bit easier. You know, like the day that your baby for who knows what reason decides to start the day at 3:30AM. Or what about mamas of colic babies? I do NOT envy you.

I was a crazy lunatic during the first year of my kid’s lives, even though I knew that it was going to go fast. Even though I tried my hardest to just be in the moment and enjoy it. That’s a hard task for a sleep-deprived mama.

New motherhood is utterly exhausting, and stressful and 24/7. But for the next few minutes, you’re gonna forget about all of that and you’re simply going to laugh. These funny baby quotes will take all of (okay, okay, SOME of) your stresses away. Enjoy!

Funny Baby Quotes

Funny baby quotes (because new parenthood can be crazy and hilarious).

These are the best funny baby quotes for new parents that I could find, spoken from the mouths of some pretty hilarious moms and dads.

1. Ah babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Tina Fey

2. Sleep when your baby sleeps, everyone knows this classic tip. But I say, why stop there? Scream when your baby screams, take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl and walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless. -Tina Fey

3. Watching teething babies is like watching over a thermonuclear reactor. It is best done in shifts, and by well-rested people. Anthony Doerr

4. When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit. Mucky Monsters Club

5. Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is.

6. A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.

7. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. ~ Mark Twain

8. I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. ~ Robert Orben

9. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Jon Stewart

10. Sarabi: Your son is awake. Mufasa: Before sunrise, he’s your son. The Lion King

11. A crying baby is the best form of birth control. Carole Tabron

12. If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly say “recalculating”. Simon Cholland

Funny Quotes For New Parents

Funny baby quotes for new parents struggling to survive the baby stage.

Funny baby quotes for new parents should be given out in the hospital upon discharge for those difficult days (and nights!).

13. Need to wake up your baby? Quietly go into your room and rest your head on your pillow.

14. My husband and I share the load. I breastfeed because he can’t and he sleeps because I cant.

15. If your friend wakes up your sleeping baby, they aren’t really your friend.

16. Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course. Ryan Reynolds

17. Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up. Ray Romano

18. It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

19. We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

20. Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

21. Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them, it’s for us? Alyson Hannigan

22. Imagine what your baby might say if your baby was able to talk and had a great sense of humor with these funny baby sayings.

23. When I was born I was so mad at my parents that I didn’t talk to them for 2 years.

24. No matter which kid’s book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy. Ryan Reynolds

25. How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting? Steve Guttenberg in Three Men and a Baby

26. Spit up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.

27. I’ll have the bottle of house white, please.

28. That awkward moment when your mom sniffs your butt in front of your friends.

29. You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -Franklin P. Jones

30. There was never a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

31. People who say they sleep like a baby probably never had a baby themselves.

32. I’ve learned it’s way harder to be a baby. I haven’t thrown up since the ’90’s and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview. -Eva Mendes

33. Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours but at least the pay sucks. -Jim Gaffigan

34. If you were to open up a baby’s head- and I’m not for a moment suggesting you should- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. -Dave Barry

35. When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog “fetch”! -Bruce Lansky

36. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. -Clarence Day

37. Rocking a baby to sleep is actually a lot less like a Johnson and Johnson commercial and a lot more like wrestling a 20 lb bag of snakes.

38. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. -Jim Gaffigan

39. I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. -Robert Orben

40. Need to wake up your baby? Quietly go into your room and rest your head on your pillow.

41. It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. Barbara Kingsolver

42. Welcome to parenthood, where your favorite new game will be ‘guess that bodily fluid.’

43. There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you. -Peter De Vries

44. How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting? -Three Men and a Baby

Funny Newborn Quotes

Funny newborn quotes that perfectly nail what it's like to be a new parent.

Are you beyond the newborn stage or smack dab in the middle of this emotional time? These funny newborn quotes will either help you through or take you back.

45. If you want to know what it’s like to have a 4th kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a 4th kid. Jim Gaffigan

46. Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, “I can’t do this”. Ryan Reynolds

47. Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. Olivia Wilde

48. I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.

49. Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate. Anne Lamott

50. You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict. Blake Lively

51. Anything else that woke you up every 45 minutes, you’d kill it. But when it’s a baby, it’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Ryan Reynolds

52. ‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary. Jimmy Fallon

53. A sleeping baby is the new happy hour.

54. A crying baby is the best form of birth control.

55. They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much. Jimmy Fallon

56. None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that? George Clooney

57. You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet… but it looks really cute. Ashton Kutcher

58. They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple. Matthew McConaughey

59. Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet Saint Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy

60. They tell you that at this age, all they do is eat, sleep and poop. And what I’ve learned is that they can do all three at the same time. Who knew? -Josh Duhamel

61. I used to sleep at night.

62. A sleeping baby is really good at doing the one thing you don’t get to do anymore.

63. Sleep at this point is just a concept… something to look forward to investigating in the future. -Amy Poehler

64. My biggest parenting conundrum: Why is it so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep? -Chrissy Teigen

65. Let me give you some baby advice: You’re not going to do anything for the next six months. -Channing Tatum

66. I’m a walking zombie and I think I’m going to be like that for a while. -Tiffani Thiessen

67. No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too. -Chrissy Teigen

68. Our baby in particular is, we think, allergic to sleep. We think that she thinks that she’s protecting us from the sleep monsters. She’s like ”Oh, I gotta keep them up or the sleep monsters will get them.” -Ryan Reynolds

69. The first night your baby sleeps 8 hours straight, you think you’d celebrate. Instead, you will run into their room thinking ”Oh my god, are they breathing?!”

70. That moment when you go to check on your sleeping baby and their eyes ping open so you drop to the floor and roll out of the room like a ninja.

71. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. -Jon Stewart

72. My husband and I share the load. I breastfeed because he can’t and he sleeps because I cant.

73. Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. -Olivia Wilde

74. I don’t want to sleep like a baby; I want to sleep like my husband.

75. Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate. -Anne Lamott

76. I can’t decide if I want a baby. My friends are like, ‘Oh, you’ll learn this great stuff, like how to survive on two hours’ sleep.’ If I want to learn that I’ll just become a political prisoner. -Cathryn Michon

77. Having a baby is like having an eight-pound to-do list. Every moment of the day is filled with something to feed, wipe, bathe, or put down. -Kathleen Laccinole

78. I used to be excellent. Now that I have a baby and I couldn’t tell you what day it is. -Gwyneth Paltrow

Funny Baby Shower Quotes

These funny baby shower quotes would be great to write inside a card that you’re giving to a mom-to-be.

79. Congrats…you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.

80. Welcome to parenthood where going to the grocery store by yourself is now considered a vacation.

81. Hitting the bottle is going to take on a whole new meaning.

82. Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.

83. Welcome to late nights, early mornings, showerless days, dirty clothes, yoga pants, never sleeping again, closet eating, pooping with an audience, mom jeans the joys of motherhood.

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Tell me, what are your very own personal funny baby quotes?

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