We all need some funny baby quotes in our lives, don’t we?
There are so many beautiful things about living the baby life, but there are also SO. MANY. Difficult things. That’s why these funny baby quotes for new parents are going to be so helpful. They’ll make you look at your current life stage from a glass half full outlook.
Related: The Best Baby Quotes Ever
Because I want you to be able to deal with the tough days a little bit easier. You know, like the day that your baby for who knows what reason decides to start the day at 3:30AM. Or what about mamas of colic babies? I do NOT envy you.
I was a crazy lunatic during the first year of my kid’s lives, even though I knew that it was going to go fast. Even though I tried my hardest to just be in the moment and enjoy it. That’s a hard task for a sleep-deprived mama.
New motherhood is utterly exhausting, and stressful and 24/7. But for the next few minutes, you’re gonna forget about all of that and you’re simply going to laugh. These funny baby quotes will take all of (okay, okay, SOME of) your stresses away. Enjoy!
Funny Baby Quotes
These are the best funny baby quotes for new parents that I could find, spoken from the mouths of some pretty hilarious moms and dads.
Ah babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Tina Fey
Watching teething babies is like watching over a thermonuclear reactor. It is best done in shifts, and by well-rested people. Anthony Doerr
When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit. Mucky Monsters Club
Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is.
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. ~ Mark Twain
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. ~ Robert Orben
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Jon Stewart
Sarabi: Your son is awake. Mufasa: Before sunrise, he’s your son. The Lion King
A crying baby is the best form of birth control. Carole Tabron
If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly say “recalculating”. Simon Cholland
Funny Baby Quotes For New Parents
Funny baby quotes for new parents should be given out in the hospital upon discharge for those difficult days (and nights!).
Need to wake up your baby? Quietly go into your room and rest your head on your pillow.
My husband and I share the load. I breastfeed because he can’t and he sleeps because I cant.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course. Ryan Reynolds
Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up. Ray Romano
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
Funny Baby Sayings
Imagine what your baby might say if your baby was able to talk and had a great sense of humor with these funny baby sayings.
When I was born I was so mad at my parents that I didn’t talk to them for 2 years.
No matter which kid’s book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy. Ryan Reynolds
How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting? Steve Guttenberg in Three Men and a Baby
Spit up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.
I’ll have the bottle of house white, please.
That awkward moment when your mom sniffs your butt in front of your friends.
Funny Newborn Quotes
Are you beyond the newborn stage or smack dab in the middle of this emotional time? These funny newborn quotes will either help you through or take you back.
If you want to know what it’s like to have a 4th kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a 4th kid. Jim Gaffigan
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, “I can’t do this”. Ryan Reynolds
Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. Olivia Wilde
I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.
Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate. Anne Lamott
You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict. Blake Lively
Anything else that woke you up every 45 minutes, you’d kill it. But when it’s a baby, it’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Ryan Reynolds
‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary. Jimmy Fallon
They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much. Jimmy Fallon
None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that? George Clooney
You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet… but it looks really cute. Ashton Kutcher
They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple. Matthew McConaughey
Funny baby shower quotes
These funny baby shower quotes would be great to write inside a card that you’re giving to a mom-to-be.
Congrats…you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.
Welcome to parenthood where going to the grocery store by yourself is now considered a vacation.
Hitting the bottle is going to take on a whole new meaning.
Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.
Welcome to l
ate nights, early mornings, showerless days, dirty clothes, yoga pants, never sleeping again, closet eating, pooping with an audience, mom jeans the joys of motherhood.
Tell me, what are your very own personal funny baby quotes?